Writing the Next Chapter in your Relationship Story

When my co-author, Sally, and I first decided to write books together, we imagined a trilogy. The first would be a book on friendship, the second would be a book about kids (both published by FaithWalk in 2005/6) and the final book (that never got written) was supposed to be about marriage.

Pondering the last project in the series, we bantered back and forth via phone:

“I’m not sure I have much to say about marriage. Sally, this book needs to wait until we’re old and grey and we have more wisdom on the subject.”

I’m pretty sure she was lounging in front of her fireplace during this conversation, crunching on homemade kettle corn, because she kept apologizing for munching loudly in my ear.

“Cher, collectively, we’ve been married for thirty years. That’s valuable life experience. I know we have something to say about relationships: the unexpected gifts, the wrenching disappointments, the mystery of it all!”

How ironic that in lieu of writing that book, and now 22 years into my own marriage, I’m pursuing a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy. Now, I listen to other people’s relationship stories. And I love it. Most couples are focused on what’s not working when they first come in, but it’s rewarding to discover what is working, and to help people find creative ways to partner.

Thanks for the privilege of working with you for the past year, and for teaching me that:

  • Conflict is inevitable, and everyone has a different way of dealing with it. Whether your style is more animated and feisty, or reserved and methodical, the question is: do you have the skills needed to effectively problem solve?
  • Relationships are as unique and varied as the rows and rows of paint swatches at Home Depot. I mean, how many yellows can there be? You simply need a shared vision of how you’re going to work and play together to create the changes that you need.
  • Relationships can be challenging, so why not have some fun along the way? I like to dig in and help you work on the tough stuff, but I also like to laugh. I’ve learned to balance “heavy” sessions with “lighter” sessions to encourage perspective.

Remember, it’s never too early to reach out for support! Think of it as an opportunity to write another chapter in that relationship book that is yours and yours alone. What will the title of that new chapter be?

Cheri Mueller, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern

Where is Spring?

SNOW IN APRIL?!?!? I just got done plowing the driveway and am greatly anticipating temperatures greater than 40 degrees!  I am in the same boat as most Minnesotans at this point of the year, wanting spring to start and the snow to vanish. As I type schools are delayed, accidents are occurring, and roads are being plowed. On the flip side kids are outside playing, snowmen are coming to life, and families are enjoying life together. 

Comparatively this much snow in the southern part of our country can be crippling, but Minnesotans are prepared. We are ready for battle. We throw on our winter jackets, mittens, and scarfs; take out our shovels and blowers, and move forward. We adapt to the elements, we invest in tools that will help us through, and we turn snow into sport (snowmobiling, ice fishing, skiing, etc.) Snow is a way of life for some; we embrace it. Others may struggle and complain each time it snows, but we all get through it! We  have hope spring will come, it always has; trees bud, flowers grow and temperatures warm. It may not arrive on our terms or as soon as we'd like but it comes. For some our hope weakens, and fear we may enter another ice age. For others we take vacations to warm locations, we look longingly at pictures of warm beaches to help us through the winter months.

Snow in April may reflect how your marriage or relationship has felt recently. You may be going through a season of life where there seems to be little change. Another hardship or argument has added greater stress or demand into your daily life. You might have recently discovered an affair. You may be uncertain of what will happen next, or even what your next step might be. Whatever it may be, know that there is hope! Know that spring is coming and you have tools available to help dig you out. Counseling can be much like a snow plow, we help you to make a path through the snow so you can drive on, so can see clearly again, so you can take your next step and get back on your feet. If you are frustrated with a recent argument, if you are losing hope, if you don't know what next steps to take, then maybe now is the time to consider counseling. Today is an opportunity to change your circumstances. Today is an opportunity to see clearly again. Today is a day for hope!

Spring is on its way!